1. Life is mediocre.
2. Life is sleep, eat, work, repeat.
3. Life is disappointing.
4. Life is not what I thought it would be.
Life is consisting of me waking up by 8AM. Getting to work by 9AM. Working until 6PM. Sometimes 7PM. Sometimes 8PM. Going home. Eating while watching a show or two. Passing Out. Repeat Monday through Friday.
Saturdays I laze around, legs tangled in my blankets, hair in a mess, with my laptop sitting on my stomach wasting away my brain while aimlessly surfing the internet and playing more random shows on the side that I don't really pay attention to.
Sundays I go to church (generally) by 10AM. Get back home and repeat my Saturday routine.
Everything is at a plateau; nothing getting "worse" but nothing getting "better". Most times I don't even have the energy to think about what to do about it because work just drains me mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, everything in every aspect. But at those random moments when I do think about it... I realize, all I do is realize and I never do anything about it.
I think a lot, though. Past, future. Coulds, woulds, shoulds. Couldn'ts, wouldn'ts, shouldn'ts. Ifs, ands, buts. What ifs, if onlys. How comes, why nots.
But what do these change? How do these shoulds, buts, if onlys even help me, if nothing comes into play?
I stay at a stand still because I'm tied to the past and only worry about the future. There's only an autopilot-me in the present, while all my energies are wasted(?) on what happened before and what will happen after. And no matter how many times I realize this, it's so difficult to change, for a lack of a better action word. I can't just turnaround the way I've been living and thinking just because I realize I'd like to "try something else."
But I try. When I remember to.
For now I have my Korea plans to look forward to.. I've already signed up for the TESL Certification classes with my sister. Now I just have to get fingerprinted & background checked.. Get my transcript from NYU.. Find a job.. Buy a plane ticket.. Yeah........ just.... a few major things...... should probably get these done within September/October.
I'm just so. ready. for. change. it's ridiculous. I don't know what's ahead and I'm more than over the idea of trying to plan ahead....
So from now on... for my own future reference...
Z. Life will be exciting.
Y. Life will be unexpected events and decisions.
X. Life will be fulfilling.
W. Life will not be what I thought it would be.
|just had the sudden urge to make a xanga entry. |
i always say, every time i come back to 'visit', that This time, im going to be diligent and constantly update with entries. never works.
will continue later (or will i.....) bc my eyes are closing on me right now..
August 3rd, 2011 . 5:13AM